Letting Go
by halteddreams
Summary: *SbS spoilers*A ficlet how the Princess feels about the Vong war, her son Anakin Solo, and her family. Please r/r.


Title: Letting Go  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, or the series of the New Jedi Order. So please don't sue, I am in no way making money off this. P.S. Thank you GL!  
Summary: A ficlet how the Princess feels about the Vong war, her son Anakin Solo, and her family.  
Spoilers: Mostly for Star By Star.  
  
**  
  
Princess Leia Organa Solo had always been strong, she was good at keeping her emotions at check and she had been strong for her husband when his best friend and co-pilot had died. But how she feared with all that has happened she just couldn't be strong for anyone, not even herself.   
  
She couldn't live with the fact that she was alive and her son wasn't. It didn't seem right to outlive your youngest son, it isn't suppose to happen that way. And when she first saw her son Anakin, dead and lifeless, she knew her world had trembled down before her. Her baby boy, with the brightest blue eyes and a wide smile, was gone. One with the Force now. His death had taken her by surprise. It was any mother's worst nightmare. And all she could wonder was how this happened, how a life can be taken at such a young age. Anakin had always been special, everybody knew that, especially his sister Jaina. Leia had been so proud, watching her son become a fine young Jedi and a good leader, and everybody talked how great he was, only his destiny would be death.  
  
Leia knew Han felt guilty, seeming as if though he still felt Anakin hadn't forgiven him about Chewie and no matter how many times she told him their son had forgiven him and it was all in the past, she knew she couldn't erase those thoughts completely from him.   
She never felt so--so--  
  
Hopeless.  
  
It was feeling that she didn't like. There was nothing she could do to bring back her son, and that also felt wrong, surely as a mother there was *something* she could do. Erase this pain for one. This dull pain of sorrow and despire that only got bigger everyday. It had only been a couple of long weeks since his death but it seemed just like yesterday. Han and her never spoke about it, only once or twice, maybe they were too emotional over it or maybe they were just scared what to say, would it make it better or worse?   
  
Leia mused over this as she studied the screen in front of her, preparing a speech. It was all she could do to keep her occupied for the time being, she couldn't just stay in bed all day and cry her eyes out no matter how tempting that did sound. She had to move on, had to help her brother and sister-in-law and all the other Jedi to overthrow the Yuuzhan Vong. It seemed simpler said than done. Fighting this war didn't seem such a propriety now that her son was gone. Nothing anymore did. Princess Leia felt so many emotions swirling around her, consuming her at no end. How could she go on? Everyone gave their sympathies and she appreciated them, she really did. But it never did lessen the pain, only made it harder to bear. The galaxy knew of her son's death, everybody pitied the Solo family now.  
  
Everything will work out, everything will be okay they would whisper to her. How could they possibly understand? Did they know what it was like to wake from day to day, knowing this was reality. She hated being down, she hated feeling consumed by grief. She had always been the strong one, the reliable one and slowly that was slipping away and she didn't want it to. Instead of being the shoulder to lean on, now she needed one to lean on. But she had to be strong, and even if Han doubted it, she knew Jacen is still alive and Jaina needs them both, more than ever, more than Jaina would admit. Having to lost two brothers must be terrible for her and Leia wished she could take away that pain. She wanted to make up for the time she had never been there. But instead, as if to hurt her more, she was pushing them away, far far away.  
  
It was understandable considering she did it at times with Han.   
  
Han. Her husband, how did he feel about this? He never truly voiced his opinion, only gave her this sad, hopeful look at times. She had been dependable with him, had she never considered his feelings? How selfish of her. Rather he said anything, she still needs to be there to comfort him. But Han was stubborn, no matter how many times she tried to get him to say nothing, the old Rebel Hero Corellian wouldn't hear it.  
  
Leia felt a presence nearby through the Force, she immediately knew it was Han. She turned her chair and watched her husband walk into their chambers they shared.  
  
"Hey nerfherder," she said for time sakes.  
  
He smiled at her roguishly. "Sweetheart."  
  
She stood up and walked up to him, burying herself in his arms, feeling his strong embrace on her. She buried herself against the fabric of his shirt, inhaling the scent of him.  
  
"Where in the galaxy where you?" she said mumbled against his shirt. She looked up him then, searching his eyes.  
  
Something was wrong. Heck, everything was wrong. Perhaps tonight would be the night they would finally ease the tension that had been building up.  
  
"Just thinking," he said simply.  
  
Leia eyed him. "About what?"  
  
"Nothing really," he said flatly, obviously he didn't want to talk, but she had other plans.  
  
"Han, we need to talk," she said finally, exhaling.  
  
"Leia, can't this wait until tomorrow," he began gruffly.  
  
Leia put her hands on her hips and shook her head. "Han, please talk to me."  
  
And she knew he could never resist that, not with that tone. He sighed.  
  
"Princess, I really don't know what to say, I am just. . .confused with this all," he confessed.  
  
She raised curious brow and nodded. "I know. I know your confused, so am I. And I don't know why. Over many things actually."  
  
"Like about Anakin?" he asked softly, too softly for Han Solo even.  
  
She bit her lip and kept her tears at bay. "Especially about that. I wanted to talk to you about that for some time now. . ."  
  
"Fine. Talk," he said, throwing his hands in the air.  
  
"All we do when we are at home is mop around and ignore each other, I figured we would do the opposite, I thought at times like these, we would need each other more than ever, but instead we are more apart than ever."  
  
Leia looked back at her husband who looked every tired at the moment. Then she noticed the unshed tears in his tears. Han never cried, except when Chewie had died, but was different. Mourning over a dead son was not easy.   
  
She rushed back into his arms, holding him. This time, she let him cry on her shoulder like she had been doing with him for so many times now. He held her tightly, his head on the crook of her neck, she ran her hands over his back. Finally, he pulled away from her, but his arms were still around her.  
  
"Leia, I can't stop thinking about what all has happened. What's happened to our family?" he said hoarsely, pulling her closer to his chest once more.  
  
She smiled sadly. "They grew up, Han. And even if we both didn't want all three of them to go on that mission, they would have done it anyway, they are all as stubborn as we are, you know that. Nothing we could have done to prevent it."  
  
He looked at her lovely then, caressing her cheek. "I don't know what I would have done without you for these past years, Princess."  
  
She suddenly felt so safe with him holding her, caressing her. His arms always warmed her up after all these years.  
  
"Me either, Han. We have to be strong for us and for our daughter. She needs us, she is falling from us, she needs us," she said, her voice cracking with emotion.  
  
Han's eyes looked sad as he knowledged this. "Your right. We need to think about the rest of our family. . .what's left of it."  
  
'What's left of it' echoed in her mind and it was first time she realized they both agreed their family was torn apart, because of this horrible war. She sobbered up and thought wildly, 'when did our family become torn apart?' Had she made the right decision to let all three of the go? They would done it anyways, but it made it harder to bear knowing she sent them all to that battle with her permission. Then she let out a wishful thought through the Force.   
  
Anakin, my beloved son, I'll miss you.  
  
**  
  
A/N: This is the worst fic I've ever made. -_-;; 


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